Thoughts about dating from a newly single Gen X man in response to what he would add to my Ask Dr. Gayle advice column
Q: I’m starting to date seriously what should I look for in a partner?
A: If you’re looking for a man, avoid one who had either a controlling mother or one who did everything for him. Some men tell me they avoid especially beautiful women because they get used to being served. In either sex, look for a best friend who is interesting to talk with and you respect, as well as being attractive to you. We tend to attract the familiar, so think about the relationship patterns you experienced growing up and decide what you want to repeat and what you want to do differently.
I decided last night I fall in love way to quickly way to easily. I also decided I am looking for Divine unconditional love in the flesh and I don’t know if it is possible. So many people are socially conditioned to be a princess/player. As you said, I would definitely identify what went wrong last relationship, identify what the person doesn’t want in the future, what a person wants in the future, make a list, tell the universe what you want. Co-create. As we are co-create our relationships so do they also mirror our weaknesses. I think we as a culture should look at the attachment side of love, and learn to watch it come into our lives, be there and then leave, without attachment. For surely all love is a fire that dwindles into lukewarm coals and then fades. Going into a relationship thinking we aren’t going to get hurt or work is naive. Unless one is very wise. Like Day and night, thought and stillness, man and women, life and death, love comes and goes. I think parental upbringing, you hit it on the head. The married women who like me, which I’m pretty sure is over.
I think we as Americans need to focus more on self-love, or I do, and be less reliant on others to bring us as humans happiness. Eventually looking to a mate to provide all sources of happiness is impossible. Maybe it’s just my age.
A person can either throw themselves into a heated passionate relationship and feel everything with an open heart and maybe get burned or be logical, slow, step by step cautious.
I guess from my life, a good relationship, it was all about effortlessness. For years with my ex the weeks flew by, years flew by, it was easy. Being myself, being with her was simple and joyful. Still when I talk to her I hang up the phone and we just talked for 20 minutes easily. If a person isn’t aligned with the self, a person can’t be aligned with anyone else. And it has to be strong, the self-alignment. Work on creating conditions of self-love, and those will be attractive to others. Commit to inner peace as the main goal. When we are looking for love, beware of fear that is the opposite of love, and will only hold us back. Our society too also has a skewed point of view, what type of love, unconditional, sexual, most people think of love as all about themselves, but really, love is wanting the best for someone else, relationship love is the dance of giving and taking, of love. Not giving and taking of power. Love, tricky thing. The Dali lama has tons of love, for everyone, but no interpersonal relationship. Someone who wants to get back into dating… be playful, have fun, for myself don’t give away my heart so easily.
Yes I would go with the patterns of each relationship, they all tell us a lot about ourselves. To return to a love life, dating, one should be ready to love unconditionally and expect nothing in return. There are lots of guided meditations for new lovers. “Someone out there is waiting to meet you, you just have to allow them to meet you” Do a ritual, put all your love into the ritual, all your hopes and expectations, and let it go. Honestly if I new this stuff, I would have a really happy relationship right now. But also, getting back to dating, it seems, is harder once the exposure to potential mates is reduced, such as college, is over. Its easy to meet many possible dates when a person is young and in school. And bars… nah. Need to find a lover inline with the lifestyle of a person. Like to rock climb, go to a rock-climbing club. Do lots of self-care; feel how good it feels to look beautiful. Embrace the whole experience of getting ready to date.
Ok here’s the big problem I have with the dating pool. Games. I say this and leave it alone, if a person likes someone, tell him or her! There’s so many games, women can’t tell a man they like them cause that’s too forward, they have to get him to say it, and then when the man says it he calls and women can’t answer for three days or else they appear needy and then no sex on the first date because what ever. Most young women have a standard protocol to screen out all the men out there. All these magazines pump this stuff out and I honestly rarely have any idea if a girl likes me because they don’t say it and act aloof. And guys have no clue what they want vs. need.
I could go on all day. Romantic love–travel. I think drastically changing a person’s routine stirs up the cosmic dust. Move to a new town. If a person has been doing the same routine for years they are entrenched in a vibrational fortress. If there were a formula for attracting and keeping a never-ending undying love between couples that was constantly passionate… live and learn, balance. Love is constantly morphing, recycling, undying, reemerging. I feel like every love I’ve had is the same spirit passing through a different person, upgrading usually. hopefully.
And finally for myself a one-sentence quote from Led Zeppelin that is my ideal go to for relationships. “Some people live and some people die by the wicked ways of love, I just keep on rolling along with the grace of the lord up above.”