How to Manage Money

Your Questions About Work and Money
Ask Dr. Gayle
© Gayle Kimball, 2011
ISBN 9780938795575

Table of Contents

Financial Aid for College Students
Decision Making
Getting a Job
Co-Workers and Bosses
Getting Organized
Staying Fit
Q: I’m going to college and need financial aid.

A: Maria Olson, Financial Aid advisor, provides this answer.

Every college has a Cost of Attendance (COA), so students should know to look up the COA for each school they are considering.


First Generation college students do need a lot of support and they should explore grant-funded programs like EOP, TRiO, ETS and Upward Bound. Slide 7 mentions this.


In California, students who have DACA, or are otherwise undocumented have the CADAA (CA Dream Act Application) available for them to apply for state financial aid. Students in these categories are not eligible for Federal Financial Aid, unfortunately, so they would not submit a FAFSA

There is also a separate application in CA for Foster Youth. They would fill this out in addition to the FAFSA or the CADAA.

Students who are eligible to fill out the FAFSA do not need to also apply for CA state aid. FAFSA sends their info to CSAC (the CA Student Aid Commission) for applying for state aid as well as federal. Other states may do this too, but I only know this is the case in CA.


Students can check the status of their Cal Grant awards, or eligibility, by creating their own student account through:

Also in California, high school students can take advantage of financial aid workshops put on in conjunction with their high schools, CSAC, and local colleges and universities. These workshops are called Cash for College and we just finished our last events for the season. We helps students and parents fill out the FAFSA and CADAA applications, and answer questions


Our website is also a wealth of information for explaining types of grants and for scholarship search tips: Students and parents should peruse the Financial Aid website of each school they are planning to apply to. This is a great way to do research to come up with informed questions prior to calling or making an appointment in person.
Decision Making
Q: I get confused about what decision to make, what action to take, so I’m kind
of stuck. How can I get clearer?
A: Draw paths going through a forest, with no worries about your artistic
abilities. Label the possible path. With colored pencils and without thinking,
color each path a different color. First instruct your drawing hand that gold or
yellow highlights the path that’s in your highest good, black or gray are paths
that are not good for you, red stands for vitality, pink stands for heart and good
feelings, green stands for a healing path, and blue for serenity. This way you’ll
tap into the wisdom of your inner wisdom. Keep your priorities in mind.
Q: I want to do the grad school thing, but am so wishy-washy about what
direction to follow. Teaching or something in the environmental field?
I also have been toying with the idea of a Holistic Health Practitioner program,
just afraid to commit to a change when I’m not sure where I’m headed. Arghh…
A: Make a list of what’s important to you in career, attaching descending points
to indicate priorities. The opportunity to grow? Do good? Make money, have
benefits and security? Location? A compatible workplace culture? Be
compatible with child raising? Then list pros and cons of each of your three
career options, attaching points. After you have a logical understanding of the
positives and negatives, ask yourself how you feel in your heart. It’s important
to take some action, such as taking a course in a field you’re considering, job
shadowing, and talking with career counselors. Life is short.
Q: I have all kinds of ideas for what I’d like to do but get stuck, like I’m spinning
my wheels. How can I get unstuck?
A: It’s like you’re on a high dive board and are thinking about so many
possibilities you can’t launch yourself. It doesn’t work to repress a strong
pattern, like over analyzing, so use it. Write a list of each of your possible
desires. List pros and cons for each. Sleep on it and see what feels like the right
thing to do. Take action, knowing that it doesn’t have to be perfect. What seems
like a difficult direction can be a necessary step towards something better.
Q: I’d like to move forward in my career, make some major changes, but I’m just
plain scared I’ll fail. What can I do?
A: Instead of leaping over a creek you want to cross, imagine sturdy flat
stepping-stones and stepping slowly from one to the other, stopping to look
around with an artist’s eyes. That is, take baby steps one at a time with a clear
picture of your goal. Think of fears of failure in your past, how you coped, and
what you learned from your mistakes. You survived. Acknowledge your fear, but
take small daily actions anyway, knowing that you will gain confidence as you
achieve results.
Q: I’m 29 and still working as a waitress in a boring job. How can I get
motivated to change?
A: Check out the certificate offerings at the local community college. Maybe
you’ll find a job skill that you wouldn’t have thought of on your own, like being a
welder or blueprint maker. I’d also make an appointment with the college
counselor to get ideas about how to get started in a training program.
Q: I’ve spent my life helping other people but I still haven’t graduated from
college or focused on my goals. How can I wean myself from this pattern?
A: Read about co-dependency and consider joining a support group. Think
about programming that you don’t deserve success, putdowns that come from
your family or significant others. Remind yourself that you’re a person who
deserves kindness and attention as much as any one else.
Q: I feel blocked, kind of hopeless, beaten and weepy about working on my
master’s thesis.
A: Schedule regular time each day to work on it. Get feedback and suggestions
from your professors. Think about the end results, your degree, presenting at a
scholarly conference, publishing the final product in a journal or online and
adding it to your job resume.
Q: I’m not sure what career I want, feel confused. What to do?
A: Make an appointment with a career counselor at the college near you. She or
he can give you personality inventories like the Myers Briggs and career
aptitude tests like the Strong Interest Inventory to give you more information.1
Ask about the emerging hot jobs and look on job search sites like Be sure and job shadow people in different fields of interest so
you have a boots on the ground feel for a job.
Q: The last few years I’ve experienced dead ends and confusion about the right
steps to take. How do I get on the right track?
A: The issue is how to tell which is the voice of inner wisdom, or the inner critic
or inner child–a parental tape you copied unconsciously, or copying your close
associates, and so on. To get to know your wise self, practice on small
decisions, like which route to take when you drive, to see what the wise self
feels like. You can use John Bradshaw’s technique of dialoguing with an inner
personality by asking it to write a letter to you with your non-dominant hand. Ask
for guidance before you to sleep to get deeper information than the conscious
One way to focus is to visualize and to use affirmations. Here’s a
“balloon” visualization to achieve your goals. I did the balloon visualization with
a workshop for unexpected money and found $90 in a package of nylon
stockings I bought at a second-hand thrift store. Then, I was walking on a beach
in Tanzania and found new shilling bills washed up on the shore worth over
Balloon Visualization To Achieve Goals
1. Imagine a big balloon in front of you. Put the mental picture or words of what
you want in the balloon, such as finding a lost shirt. Write “shirt” in the balloon
with your imagination. Imagine your feelings and comments as you achieve the
goal. Put today’s date in the balloon, so you’re working in the present, not
projecting your goal into the future.
2. Put a cord on the balloon down into the earth. Set your intention to release
out of the balloon anything that gets in the way of your goal, including other
people’s expectations for you. Make the balloon bigger to create more space for
your goal.
3. See the balloon filling up 100% with amusement, with smiles, tickles and
laughter, thinking about the times you’ve laughed so hard with your friends no
one could finish a sentence without cracking up again. Amusement and joy
energize. Fill it next with 100% enthusiasm. You might see it as colored liquid or
sparkles throughout the balloon.
Involve your senses. See your goal, hear yourself reacting to achieving it,
feel the delight in your body, smell it and taste it. You might want to write out a
short script, as for a film, describing the unfolding of the goal.
4. Imagine a fairy godmother or a genie flying up to your balloon and using her
wand to fill it with gold fairy dust or miracle dust. This is the fuel to get your
balloon up into the air to get your goal, like charging a battery.
5. Drop the cord off your balloon and turn it into a helium balloon. See it fly off to
achieve your goal. Forget about it for now; let it go.
6. Imagine a gauge like a thermometer in front of you, with numbers from 1 to
100. Ask yourself, “How OK is it with me to really achieve the goal? How much
permission do I give myself to have it?” Take the first number you see light up
on the gauge or that pops into your mind. If it’s not at 100, take out an
imaginary scrubber and clean resistance off the gauge so it can move up 10%
now. Move it up 10% each day until you reach 100. Do it gradually so you get
used to the idea of really achieving the goal.
Once you’ve practiced the goal visualization, you can simplify to speed it up.
Use it on small problems such as not being able to find your keys.
Q: [China] If I work very hard to do something, but I didn’t success, what should
I do?
A: Get help from someone who can help you figure out what’s causing the
problem. Let’s say you’re not doing well on math exams. Ask your teacher
about getting individual help from a tutor or an older student. Also, sometimes
we step on our own feet. Perhaps family members say, “Your older brother is
the good student, you’re the artist,” and you believe that you can’t do well in
math. Practice positive self-talk, telling yourself, “I do well on math because I
ask for help until I understand it.”
Think about what success is for you, as it may be different from what other
people want for you. To me, a successful adult has a job to support her or
himself and family, is happy and lives a healthy lifestyle, does service for
others, and continues to learn and grow in abilities—physical, mental,
emotional, and spiritual. Some people define success as having a lot of money
and fame, but there is no evidence that celebrities are happier. You hear about
them having drug and alcohol problems, divorces, and suicides. Princess Diana
married the future King of England, and was so unhappy she cut herself and
binged and purged as a bulimic before she matured. Think of the drug problems
of people like Britney Spears who had the court involved in the custody of her
Here’s what President Obama advised a Shanghai college student who
asked him in 2009 about how to be successful:
Whatever field you go into, if you’re constantly asking new questions–Are
there things that I could be doing differently? Are there new approaches
to problems that nobody has thought of before?–those are usually the
people who I think are able to rise about the rest. The people who I
admire the most and are most successful, they’re not just thinking only
about themselves but they’re also thinking about something larger than
themselves, so they want to make a contribution to society.
Q: I’m used to an accelerated approach to life, always having a new challenge. I
don’t know what to do next, now that I’ve established my job and learned about
how to be a husband to my new wife.
A: An important secret of getting answers is to clearly ask the question. Do this
before you go to sleep and ask for insights to bubble up to your conscious mind
by the time you wake up. You can also ask trusted advisors for their
perspectives. Listen to your inner guidance; this requires that you set aside
quiet time to listen, as in meditation or prayer or a walk in nature. Let go and
affirm you’ll get the right answer at the right time. Be OK now with relaxing and
developing your creativity. See what it’s like to Be rather than Do all the time.
It’s a good way to get to know yourself and to examine hurry sickness/addiction
to adrenaline rush and busyness.
Q: I finally have a good job making good money, so I don’t have to worry about
what happens if my car breaks down. I’m dealing with people all day, so when I
come home I don’t want to interact with people, just read a novel. Is my job my
A: Do you live to work or work to live? Life is too short for the former. Dr. T.
Barry Brazelton recommends not giving all your energy to work, holding back
some intensity for your home. Use the commute home to separate from work.
Listen to your favorite relaxing music. Plan something fun on the weekends.
Ask yourself, “Who am I when I’m not at work? How do I want to evolve and
develop myself?”
Visualize having a chest or box for work. When you leave the office, shut
the lid on the box. Make sure your life box has enjoyable activities in it. You can
also use your hands. With first finger and thumb, close up the workspace. Open
your palm to receive life energy.
Q: I’m on a track team for my school. I’ve never won a meet although I’ve
beaten every one of the other guys in other events. How can I win?
A: Instead of thinking of winning as putting yourself above the others and being
conceited, think of it as fun and being an example to others of how to be
successful. You can complement the other runners on their performance. Also,
visualizations help focus your bodymind. Imagine a pulley connecting you to the
finish line, pulling you faster, effortlessly. Athletes like Tiger Woods spend a lot
of time mentally rehearsing their movements. Think about where you plateau in
terms of your fastest time, and then use energy psychology like EFT to break
through your performance ceiling.
Getting a Job
Q: I’m going to face a very important job interview soon, critical to my future.
Any suggestions?
A: Think of it like dancing. If you focus on how you’re doing, your performance,
you break the flow and feel awkward. Keep your attention on the other person,
maintain eye contact, and think about her or his needs. As a question is being
asked, ask yourself what does she or he really want to know and speak to that
intent. Have answers prepared in advance about your strengths and
weaknesses, what you have to offer the workplace, and any deficits in your
training and experience.
Turn any deficit into a positive, as by saying “It’s true I don’t have a lot of
experience, but I have a lot of energy to bring to the job and you’ll find me a
quick learner.” Make sure you do your homework about the prospective
employer, including the workplace culture. Research their values statement or
credo so you can include their buzzwords in your answers. Visualize yourself
feeling exhilarated at the end of the interview, proud of your performance.
Prepare by videotaping yourself in a mock interview to become aware of
distracting mannerisms and hand gestures and repeated filler words (“you
know,” “umm”) and slang. Get feedback from a career counselor if possible.
Women especially need to make declarative statements rather than the
questioning inflections used by subordinates. I’ve heard many young women
introduce themselves, “My name is Heather?” Also watch for head cocking
toward the shoulder, giggling, or a high voice tone that come across as girlish.
Practice lowering your voice to a deeper register.
A survey of college career counselors ranked these attributes as most
important to employers: being a team player, intelligence, professional
demeanor, organizational skills, friendliness, ability to take orders, and a sense
of humor. A survey of employers by the National Association of Colleges and
Employers ranked ability to communicate, work experience, and motivation as
the top three. Note: the average person changes jobs around 13 times.
*Job search sites: (see advice section);;;;;;;;;;;; advice:
Software: Resumemaker (Individual Software Inc.) includes posting your
resume on the Internet, job-search, and sample interview questions.
Free template:
*Small business: National Association of Women Business Owners:; (info for small business owners)
*Distance learning:;;
*Career choices: Richard Bolles. What Color is Your Parachute? Current
Martha Finney & Deborah Dasch. Find Your Calling, Love Your Life.
Tom Peters’ Career Survival Guide. Houghton Mifflin Interactive software.
Marsha Sinetar. Do What You Love, the Money Will Follow.
How to Get a Job
1. Determine your goals and priorities. Do you want a job that pays top dollars,
brings you into contact with interesting people, provides training and
experience, allows you to travel, or is in a small/large town? Be specific.
2. Network with every resource possible: friends, family of friends, former
professors, neighbors, job placement center, career counselors, the newspaper
want ads, the Chamber of Commerce, government employment offices, office
bulletin boards, Internet, trade journals and homepages, telephone book yellow
pages, and private employment agencies. Look in reference books such as
Standard and Poor’s Register, available in the library. Research small but
rapidly growing companies, as discussed in INC. magazine’s yearly issue on
that topic. Talk to employers who interest you even if they don’t have a current
opening. Do your homework; research workplaces before submitting an
3. Create an outstanding resume. Take time to do this carefully as it gets you in
the door to a job interview where you can sell yourself in person. Include your
name, address, and phone number at the top. Use subheadings such as (a)
work experience and volunteer work (list in chronological order with the most
recent job first, and include your job title and duties), (b) education and other
skills that prepared you for the job, (c) a list of references (or state that they’re
available upon request so you can alert the people they may be called), (d)
personal (your interests, achievements, language skills, and hobbies).
Use bullet format rather than paragraphs. Use at least 12 point font.
Make sure you have an editor check for spelling and grammar errors. Use
action verbs rather than the passive voice. Leave adequate margins to make
the layout pleasing to the reader’s eye. Have it laser printed. Use heavy bond
white or cream-colored paper. See Greg Berryman’ and Susan Ireland’s The
Complete Idiot’s Guide to the Perfect Résumé, and
Attach a brief cover letter summarizing how your skills match the job and
requesting an interview. Don’t repeat your resume; include the position you’re
applying for, what you know about the employer, and your key qualifications).
Direct it to the specific person who is in a position to hire you. Change your
resume to target different jobs you apply for.
Talk with employees to find out about the workplaces you’re considering,
and do library research if possible (College Placement Annual, Business
Periodicals Index, etc.). Read websites (including and press
releases. Do informational interviews to find out about various careers: Call and
ask for 10 minutes to ask questions about that person’s job. They’ll usually be
Give the employer a reason to call you rather than hundreds of other
applicants, and don’t provide any reason to immediately toss your application
(as by not answering questions, messy writing, or no indication that you know
something about their workplace).
Use the Internet. See Mark Mehler and Gerry Crispins’ Careerxroads:
The Directory to the 500 Best Job, Resume and Career Management Sites on
the World Wide Web, or Pam Dixon’s Job Searching Online for Dummies. A
computer will scan resumes; print on white paper, using phrases from the job
description as the computer looks for key words. (See
4. The key principle for an effective interview is preparation. Videotape practice
interviews so you can see what works and doesn’t work for you. First do them in
front of a mirror, then videotape a mock interview. Observe effective speakers.
You may be given a case study or be asked to perform a task such as a writing
sample. Some companies pre-screen over the phone or on video. Half of job
prospects are eliminated in the first phone call, so practice!
Have answers prepared for these common questions: tell me about
yourself, why should I hire you? What are your strengths/weaknesses? What
salary do you expect (reply it’s negotiable)? Why do you want this job? What
would your former employers say about you? What role do you take in a group
project? How would you fit in our workplace culture? What’s an example of a
good/bad decision you made recently? Answer a question directly and
concisely, not talking for more than two minutes at a time. Visualize yourself
doing great, take deep breaths from your belly, be aware of your posture, bring
water, and think of the interviewer in underwear so as not to be intimidated.
Focus on getting to know that person—rather than judging your own
performance. Always send a thank you note soon after the interview.
Q: I’m starting a new job. How can I succeed and be promoted?
A: Once you have the job, Odette Pollar (owner of Time Management Systems)
suggests: remove “it’s not my job” from your thinking, take responsibility, learn
new skills, be flexible, think ahead, keep your cool, have a sense of humor and
positive attitude, be assertive, and make your boss shine
( Also, sell yourself, study the work culture, form
information and support networks, cultivate mentors, practice effective
communication skills, don’t talk about your personal problems, be pleasant to
be around, and periodically check in with your boss for constructive criticism.
Keep written copies of important agreements, even with nice people. Don’t get
sucked into workaholism; make a list of “what I do” and “who I am” and make
sure they are different.
Lona O’Connor. Top Ten Dumb Career Mistakes…and How to Avoid
See the career chapter in my Everything You Need to Know to
Succeed After College.
Q: I need to make oral presentations to groups in my job as a salesperson, but
it petrifies me.
A: Many people name fear of public speaking as their number one fear. You
might want to check out the Toastmasters organization that meets regularly to
give people techniques and practice doing public speaking. My suggestions:
*Plan for time beforehand to check out the room and equipment.
*Know your audience. Do some research on them before hand or at least at the
beginning of the talk with show of hands in response to your questions about
them and their interests.
*Don’t apologize or comment on your fears, a common mistake.
*Take deep breaths from your diaphragm so you have oxygen in your forebrain
to think clearly.
*What is your goal? What information do you want to share with the audience?
Focus on that rather than your performance.
*Pick three to five main points and include evidence for each point. Use index
cards with important information: DO NOT READ WORD BY WORD, very sleep
inducing as in bedtime stories. Number your cards in case you drop them.
*Keep it simple and conversational. Humor and stories are great, which is why
the Bible was written in many parables such as the Prodigal Son.
*Eye contact is important, around the room. Don’t overuse PowerPoint because
the focus is on the screen, not people.
*Vary vocal pattern—no monotone. Pause for transitions between ideas.
*Only 7% of a message is communicated by words, 38% verbally, and 55% by
body language. Be aware of your posture and movements. Avoid: rocking,
fiddling, folding arms across the chest, standing with one hip higher, jingling
coins, jangling jewelry, and repeated use of the same gesture or phrase.
*Video yourself in a practice session keeping these pointers in mind: This is
very useful for anyone who teaches and gives group presentations.
*Visual aids: No more than 6 lines of copy with 6 words per line. Use a simple
sans serif font such as Arial or Helvetica. For titles use around 40 point, and 24
point for details. Use bullets rather than complete sentences. Create original
graphics with a digital camera.
*Put your watch where they can’t see you checking it.
*Don’t expect people to listen attentively for more than 20 minutes. Use variety
and include time for interesting dialogue and questions.
Q: I am having a hard time hanging on to any idea that there’s some grand
plan, or things work out for the best. Right now it seems like sometimes sucky
things happen and all you can do is make the best of it. I had this strong gut
feeling that we were meant to go to another state for a job my husband applied
for. I actually felt sure he’d get the job. I’d go on an energy level and ask and
see and it just felt so right compared to staying, but he didn’t get it. I think I lost
some faith in my perceptive ability–all clouded, wishful thinking, no real
insight….weird time.
A: Difficulties can be a kick in a new direction to get us to change our
comfortable habits. In the long run, the purpose will be clear—a lesson in
patience. The job felt right to me, too, but there’s a better one coming up. It’s
true there are human miseries of abuse, starvation, and war that are very
difficult to understand, other than we have free will and are not highly evolved.
Note: he later did get a job in another state.
Q: I feel stuck and unmotivated to move forward in my life. How can I get
A: Instead of trying to formulate a grand plan, create a small step forward every
day where you are kind to someone, you learn something new, or you engage
in healthy fun. Work with a career counselor to explore options.
Q: I’m looking for a job in a tight job market. I don’t feel like I have a clear
direction of where I’m going, or where I want to live.
A: Life is about ebb and flow like ocean waves, chaos and integration. Accept
the fact that you’re in a chaos period and know that your path will open up to
you. Set aside one hour a day to job search with no attachment to results, just
making the effort in a newspaper, Craig’s List and other Internet job searches,
networking with friends and acquaintances, and calling employers in the field of
your dream job. List the components of an ideal job for you, so you have
template in mind as you apply for jobs. It’s helpful that you’re willing to move to
where jobs are available.
Apply for as many as interest you, so you have options open to you. You
don’t have to decide now or get the perfect job. We can get stuck in
perfectionism, which immobilizes our ability to act. Guidebooks like What Color
is Your Parachute by Richard Nelson Bolles are helpful too. Check in with your
former university career placement office and take tests to help you define your
interests, like the Strong Campbell and the Myers Briggs.
Q: My family didn’t go to college and didn’t expect me to graduate either, so I’m
lagging on transferring from community college to a university.
A: Apply for universities and make an appointment with the financial aid advisor.
In your journal, write, “I am an educated man. I am capable and use my
success for good.” Then listen to the negative voices of sub-personalities and
write down what they say, like, “You’d be stuck up and arrogant if you become
one of the college grads.” Think about whose voice that might echo in your
extended family, when you first heard it, or got the message, and continue to
dialogue with that voice. Then, cross it out, and put today’s date by it. Also, list
ways you’re different from your family so your unconscious mind can separate
from their patterns. You might find they’ll brag in the future about their college
graduate son.
Q: I’ve procrastinated finishing two incomplete courses I need to graduate. I just
can’t seem to motivate myself. Any suggestions?
A: Ask yourself what’s the “secondary gain” from putting off the completion. It
could be by delaying graduation, you give yourself an excuse not to do a job
search and become an adult. It feels like you associate growing up with lack of
fun. Create your own definition of the kind of adult you’d like to be. Think about
exemplary role models you know or who are featured in the media and match
that way of being. To finish your projects, set aside a time every day to do the
work. During this time, do not answer your phone or do chores. The mind often
comes up with excuses to put off work, like that drawer really must be cleaned
out, but follow the plan instead of the immediate task. Reward yourself with a
break after every hour of focused accomplishment. The secret is to break the
task into small parts and create a sense of accomplishment daily; this provides
energy whereas putting off a task drains energy.
Q: I graduated from university a few years ago but have been holding back from
moving forward to graduate school and a career.
A: It looks like you’re carrying the weight of family expectations that you’re the
achiever of your siblings, the one who doesn’t mess up. The fact is we’re on the
planet to make mistakes so we can learn and grow. The point is not to repeat
mistakes, rather than to be perfect. None of us are! Americans change jobs
around seven times during their work lives so you’re not committing yourself to
a lifelong sentence with your first professional job. Start with what you love to
do rather than what would make the most money. A happy husband and dad
are more desirable than a rich unhappy grumpy man. Consult with the career
planning and placement center at the local college about career options and
aptitude and personality tests to help you make an informed decision. Job
searches are mainly done on the Internet: For many links see Search for a job on web sites like Career Builder,
Monster, Craig’s List, and Simply Hired.
Q: [China] I always want to find my answer by myself and now I don’t know
what is right. What if I am wrong again? What if I try another job and it’s again
not right for me and I waste my time again? My inner child’s nerves never have
a rest, always devoured by the fear. I am ashamed to say but inside I am
actually still a child who doesn’t know how to take the next step.
A: Think about life as learning lessons, so we evolve like all of nature. You’ve
learned something from each of your jobs and struggles, so they’re not a waste
of time. You’re getting clearer on what you want in a career. Throughout life we
continue to be imperfect, to make mistakes. The point is to learn from them, not
to get it right the first time or be perfect—impossibility.
The other point is to learn how to determine which is your highest inner
guidance, and which is a lower sub-personality in the unconscious lacking in
wisdom. Ask for clarity on your next career move before you sleep and take
quiet time to be able to hear your inner guidance. If you listen, you’ll know when
a job is right for you, although probably not forever.
It’s good that you realize the power of your inner child. With our core
issues it takes a lifetime of peeling the onion skins, so don’t expect that just
because you see the pattern it’s resolved. We all keep our inner child subpersonality
all our life. Read John Bradshaw about how to work with the child to
make it feel nurtured. The child can be a source of fun and creativity.
Co-Workers and Bosses
Q: I’d like to be able to gear my message for the learning style of the person I’m
approaching as a sales person. Ideas?
A: Neuro Linguistic Programming tells you how to identify whether your listener
is primarily visual, auditory, kinesthetic or auditory digital (mental dialogue with
self). The User’s Manual for the Brain by Bob Bodenhamer and Michael Hall
explains the differences and also provides a short test to indicate your dominant
modalities. Many other NLP books are available.
Q: A business associate is trying to make an end run around me, a power grab.
How can I block her?
A: Remind her in writing about rules and procedures and the chain of
command. Avoid any personal attack; keep it impersonal except to give
appreciation for effective ways you may have worked together in the past or
what you’re looking forward to in your working relationship. What consequences
are there if she continues to ignore the rules?
Q: I work with John every day in my office and he is a sensitive, high-strung
individual. I asked him to call you because I think he needs help sustaining a
grounded stable demeanor. It’s been a challenge to work with him but I have
used your tools and have taught some of my Leadership Team how to do the
same so that they don’t get sucked into the negative style of his messages.
What else can I do?
A: It’s helpful to ground yourself, and the physical office space, as well as Peter.
Does he eat frequent healthy foods so he doesn’t wig out with low blood sugar?
Is his office in a quiet place? It might help for him to listen to soothing music on
headphones. Praise him when he’s positive.
Q: I started a small business, brought in a partner and now I feel like she’s
taken over and I’m being drained. I also have unmet needs with my romantic
partner. How can I get my power back?
A: Decide what area of the business you’d like to take control of and why. She’s
not the boss. I’d consider developing a new aspect of your business and take
sole charge of it. To resolve a conflict, we have to put it on the table and learn
about each person’s point of view. Without criticizing either partner, let them
know how you’re feeling, what you’d like to change, and clarify what the other
person needs, as explained in Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent
Communication ( Speak up and take back some
ownership and you have more joie d’vivre.
Q: There’s a younger woman at my workplace who wraps the boss around her
finger, so she gets more paid hours for doing less work than the rest of us. She
spends lots of time at work on her personal Internet activities. I’m resentful and it
affects my health.
A: Voice Dialogue teaches that for every strong primary subpersonality there’s a
“disowned self.” If we’re not aware of the shadow selves, they manifest in others
such as co-workers, our kids and pets, in people who evoke strong judgments
and a charge from us. Since you have such a strong work ethic, the goof-off
colleague gives you an opportunity to explore your opposite polarity. This
understanding gives more freedom. I’d visualize a spotlight of truth over the goofoff’s
desk so the boss clearly sees her work habits. If you leave work pissed off,
don’t stuff it, as that’s not good for your immune system. Yell, cuss, growl, spit or
what ever releases your frustration if you’re alone on your commute home. You’ll
probably make yourself laugh in the process and enhance your immune system.
I’d look for another job if possible. Document your productivity and contributions
to the workplace to ask for a raise.
Q: I work with a woman who is considered the star and, while discussing a
project, we had a disagreement. I am at a point where I doubt myself, thinking
that I cannot work collaboratively. She gloats about herself and her skills so
much that I feel incompetent.
A: If she needs to gloat, she must be very insecure. Find out about her
childhood issues so you can put her neediness in perspective. She’s a good
saleswoman of herself; observe how she convinces people she’s so competent.
Also, the gloating must be obvious to others and not appealing to them. Are you
imagining more star power than she actually has at work? Did you have siblings
who you thought got more parental attention and did they compare your
achievements at school and socially? This can be an opportunity to clean out
unresolved childhood wounds she’s stimulating about not being the favorite
Q: I’m from India, not a gushy person, so I don’t know what to do when
Americans greet me with exaggerated enthusiasm that feels phony to me. Do I
have to gush back?
A: You don’t have to reply in kind. Just turn the spotlight back on the other
person by asking a question like, “What’s new with you?”
Q: I don’t want to go to work, can’t wait for the weekend. I feel overwhelmed by
all the projects I’m responsible for and feel irritated and resentful. Any hope for
A: When you get to work prioritize what’s most important. Put one task folder on
your desk. Put the others in a drawer out of sight, the most important files
upfront. Acknowledge what ever you’re feeling such as, “I’m feeling
overwhelmed,” and then ask yourself, “What shall I accomplish in the next two
hours?” Keep naming your feelings and then focus back on the immediate task.
When you’re interacting with toxic and draining co-workers, do active
listening to verbalize their feelings and needs, and then ask for possible
solutions. Write them down, and end the discussion by saying, “Thanks for
letting me know what’s going on: Now I need to get ready for another meeting.”
Make sure you nurture a life outside of work by planning for weekly fun
activities, such as taking an art or dance class. Keep a gratitude journal so you
remind yourself you’re fortunate to have a job and have the opportunity to learn
new skills. If you continue to hate it, look for another job.
Q: I’m having a kind of midlife crisis where I don’t feel appreciated at work or by
my children. How can I feel better about myself?
A: Don’t expect appreciation from others, but know your kids will be
appreciative as they mataure. Look for a new challenge at work, take a class, or
learn a new skill. Is it time to prepare for a new job? Think of this as your time to
spread your wings and fly now that your kids are older and find gratification in
Q: I’m worried about losing my job in this recession. What can I do?
A: Yes, we’re in a major recession, which is painful for the unemployed, but
good for the environment as people consume less. You might be able to get
retraining: check out the county employment services like You might want to start a
business on the side. For free help, contact SCORE
In the long run, the American model of consumption and shopping (as
President Bush advised we do after 9-11) is bankrupt in all senses of the word.
Americans are 5 percent of the global population but consume about onequarter
of the energy and do one-third of global consumption. As developing
countries like China and India follow our model, we’ll run out of oil and metals.
Water is also scarce in some areas of the world, including the Southwest and
some areas on the East Coast. We need to simplify, save, and slow down to
savor life (see Carl Honoré’s In Praise of Slowness) in a new model of harmony
with mother earth. If we work fewer hours, we can spend more time with family
and friends, gardening, doing service, and other meaningful and enjoyable
Q: [Japan] I have trouble separating from my chiropractic clients; I get too
involved with my patients. How can I maintain both compassion and distance?
A: Think of each person leaving your office with a strong grounding pipe, like a
taproot that provides stability and nurturance for a tree into the earth. Imagine
releasing anyone else’s energy down your own grounding pipe into the earth to
recycle. Know that each adult makes her or his own choices; their problems are
not yours. Do a simple physical act of separation after each session: snap your
fingers, exhale through the mouth, and deliberately release the patient to the
Higher Source as you wash your hands with rose water.
Q: I’m bored with my work as a therapist and irritated by co-workers, but I need
to stay on because of the good salary and benefits.
A: Get trainings in new approaches to doing your work. Anyone gets bored
doing the same old thing, so it’s up to you to learn and apply new approaches.
You could also try to learn something new about a co-worker each day. Take a
quick walk between clients to reset your own energy.
Q: I’m a guy who works in an all-male environment where I often feel
uncomfortable and intimidated by the jokes and bullying, so I dread going to
A: Through many sessions with coaching clients, I’ve discovered we display
invisible unconscious signs that instruct people how to relate to us. If the sign
says “I’m a victim: I expect to be abused,” then abusers step forward. Change
your sign to “I’m an alpha male: Treat me with respect.” Human behavior in
groups is similar to monkeys with alpha, beta and omega individuals in a
hierarchy. If you send the messages of a subordinate male, you’ll get treated
that way. My son, Jed, commented that “shit talking” occurs in male groups as
part of male bonding. He suggests not to take it personally, and be assertive.
Sometimes we need a counselor to help us practice behavior changes like
standing up for ourselves.
Q: [Japan] I went to my boyfriend’s medical office to join their year-ending party.
There are four young assistants and two of them were very strong energysucking
behavior. They really liked me and wanted to talk to me a lot. At last,
they got drunk and the two girls started to fight each other. They argued each
other like “You want to make yourself a good girl, to get Dr. and his girlfriend’s
This fighting become very violent. They grab and hit each other. They
screamed at each other like brutal or Mafia. I tried to stop them and my right
shoulder and arm hurt. After I stopped the fighting, they cried. I hugged them.
That was the most violence moment I have ever seen. I was very shocked.
Today, one of them doesn’t remember about that day, and the other really
thought that she was a 100% victim of the violence. She said that she doesn’t
want to change her way no matter what.
A: First, try to be amused at their childlike behavior, rather that being reactive or
upset. Second, ask why you attracted such intensity–you were literally in the
middle of it. Ask if there are any “shadow issues” in terms of jealousy,
competitiveness, irrational behavior in your psyche? Practically, no more
alcohol at office parties? Always go back to energy tool basics, define your
energy bubble, ground, and bring in a gold sun.
Q: When my friends or co-workers freak out they come to me. It feels like they
suck my energy and I’m always in crisis mode.
A: Use the magic word and say “NO” when you’re overloaded. You can say, “I
don’t have time now to give you the focus I’d like to offer. Can we talk on Friday
at noon?” Look at your own co-dependent tendencies of wanting to feel needed
to be validated as a good person.
Q: I work with a guy who is usually a sweetheart and very competent, but he
has times when he gets irrational and criticizes me for no good reason. Any
A: He is not just the person you see on the surface. He also has a child subpersonality
to which he reverts when threatened, a shadow side, a critic, a
judge, and so on. When your co-worker reverts to acting like a little boy, don’t
match his attitude with your defensive child. Do active listening from a centered
state so he can rise up to your adult centered self. Ask him to frame his
criticisms in terms of positive suggestions that you’ll consider thoughtfully.
Q: [Japan] I have a supportive husband and sister but my parents told me I was
worthless; I’ve carried this over to work where I don’t have friends.
A: To get out of your turtle shell, take a drama class as it seems like one of your
sub-personalities would like this very much. Change your victim archetype (see
Caroline Myss’ book The Sacred Contract) by developing your actor archetype.
Imagine a character who is well-liked, act as if you are interested in getting to
know your colleagues and imagine being confidant about what you can
contribute to work friendships as a unique individual. Energetically, it helps to
“zip up” your energy field before going into work by drawing a line with your
hand from your pubic bone to your chin to stabilize your central meridian.
Imagine a pink bubble of light around you, radiating friendliness and fun.
Q: I get a nervous stomach every time I’m assigned a leadership role at work.
How can I get over this discomfort?
A: Exaggerate your worries to their extreme: Imagine the worst that could
happen. Then imagine the satisfying outcome you want. Take the positive
image and imagine throwing it at the fearful one until it disappears. Try drinking
peppermint or ginger tea and visualize breathing green into your physical area
of discomfort. Deep slow breathing always helps, prolonging the exhalation to
relax the parasympathetic nervous system. Focus on what you want to
accomplish, not on how you’re being evaluated.
Q: My fellow worker is so irritating; he interrupts me and follows me around
talking to me. He’s driving me nuts—anything I can do?
A: Do what you would do with a child. First, give him five minutes or so of
undivided attention to check in on how he’s doing today, to help him feel he’s
making contact. Then set limits and stick to them, as in “I need quiet time for the
next hour to finish my project.” If he interrupts, smile and point to your work,
and keep silent and keep your eyes on your work. It’s very important to stick to
your original instruction of an hour of time. To use the power of your mind,
imagine an energy bubble around you with no trespassing signs. Imagine a
magnet pulling him back to his own work. If nothing else works, go to the
Q: I dislike going to work because of an ongoing conflict with a colleague. How
can I resolve this?
A: Conflict can be healthy if it brings up different points of view to be negotiated
to achieve a fair compromise and increased trust. Try a private meeting where
you following these steps:
1) Focus on issues and goals, not personalities and positions. Identify what
each of you thinks and wants. Do respectful “active listening” where you let the
other person know you understand what she or he is thinking, even if you totally
disagree. St. Francis said to seek first to understand, then to be understood.
Keep in mind that the roots of irritation may be personal similarities that you
don’t like, or the other person reminds you of a difficult person from your past.
Avoid blaming, name-calling, sarcasm, “you always….,” “gotcha,” and bringing
up other issues that bother you. Stick to one problem at a time.
2) Brainstorm solutions without making judgments, focusing on mutual needs
rather than established positions.
3) Search for a win-win compromise. If you can’t find one, bring in a mediator or
agree to disagree and maintain courteous but distant adult interaction.
Q: My dictatorial boss creeps me out; I don’t like to even be near him.
A: Look at him as a movie screen reflecting some of your childhood wounds
about feared authority figures, allowing you to project and make conscious old
fears. Try to appreciate him as a helpful teacher. Pay attention to your visceral
body reactions when you’re around him and set your intention to release your
fears; remind yourself that as an adult, you’re safe. You can create an
imaginary image for him such as toddler who wants his way no matter what,
while you’re the understanding and firm adult. Can you transfer to another
department or look for a new job? Keep in mind that where ever you go you’ll
find difficult people.
Q: I’m a guy who tries to be humble and kind, but my boss tends to walk all over
me. What can I do?
A: Sometimes men hold back with their male power because they don’t want to
be chauvinist pigs. But, male power used for good, for leadership, for justice
and protection of the underdog is very much needed. Stand up to him in a polite
way, telling him what you want in a simple, clear, and calm manner. You will
need to repeat it, so he knows you mean business. As with a child who
tantrums for junk food in the supermarket, stick to your rules, don’t give in to
bad behavior.
Q: My boss has moods where she’ll come over and tell me to do something
differently even though the outcome is the same my way or her way. It’s
stressful. What can I do?
A: Think deeper to what she needs, as explained in Non-Violent
Communication developed by Marshall Rosenberg. It feels to me like she
sometimes she needs to prove to herself and you that she’s the knowledgeable
one in charge. Be proactive, and ask her for information about something you’d
like to learn about in the business, so she feels like you value her. Think of work
as a tennis game where you control the shots by anticipating what your
opponent is going to do. Enjoy learning what techniques work and don’t work.
Q: I’m worried about my work situation. It feels like my boss is out to get me, so
I’m anxious a lot. Is there anything I can do to cope with my boss?
A: What I see with you is a runner who arrives at the finish line tape first, but
stops uncertain about what to do, not breaking through. It looks like you learned
from your family it’s not OK to be out in front; this sets up a habit of selfsabotage
on your part so you don’t break the unspoken family expectations. If
you’re afraid of succeeding, you send out signals that get in the way of your
work performance. Just becoming more conscious of your pattern can help, but
you probably need to work with a professional with a body-based therapy (such
as EFT, EMDR, or Psych-K) to clear out the energetic blocks around success.
In terms of your boss, ask for a meeting to evaluate your work, saying
something like “It’s important to me to do a good job for you. I’d like your
feedback on my strengths and weaknesses.” Mostly listen without being
defensive, unless there is a misunderstanding that needs to be cleared up. I’d
also let your boss know common goals you share for the workplace and what
you like about his or her leadership style or achievement. Take notes, prepare a
summary of your notes to give to your boss to check for accuracy, keep the
correspondence, and then check in a few months for a progress report. People,
including your boss, tend to like those who are sincerely complementary and
whom they know can listen to and act on their suggestions. You’ll also have a
written record of her or his expectations.
Q: It feels like I hit a WALL when I start to succeed at something.
A: Visualize the wall as only about 10 feet long, walk around it, down a path in a
beautiful meadow. Turn to look back at the edge of the meadow and see how
small the wall has become. What factors were involved in times when you’ve
been successful?
Q: The managers at my workplace sit in their air-conditioned offices, make
unrealistic contracts, and expect us blue-collar workers to give up our personal
lives and health to work overtime to try to meet their impossible deadlines.
A: You can’t expect to do the impossible, so don’t buy into manager anxiety. All
you can do is your best work and separate yourself from work stress by thinking
about joyous places to be, happy memories, or pleasant fantasies while you’re
working. You could write a nasty letter to the managers and tear it up and burn
it to get it out of your system. Exercise releases hostile feelings: Take a walk
when you get home to separate from work, even though you’re really tired.
Q: My boss is out to get me because of my union organizing. How do I protect
A: Don’t expect rational behavior just because someone is an educated adult.
Access her emotional age and relate to her on that level. You’ll save yourself a
lot of irritation and disappointment. Also, watch out for childhood reactions to
authority figure which you may be projecting on your boss and use this as an
opportunity to clear the pattern. It feels like some issues with your mother are
repeating now.
Don’t think you can ignore the problem and it will go away. My
experience with bully bosses it they keep on testing their limits until they
understand there will be unpleasant consequences for punishing you. One boss
told me, “Your Ph.D. is in Religious Studies: You better start praying.” I replied,
“She’s listening.” I told him clearly and calmly why I wasn’t going to do what he
proposed, and he backed off.
Don’t take unilateral action: A soldier who runs to the front line without a
strategy and support team will get shot down. In your case, the union is your
team. Outline the specifics of corrective actions to be negotiated. Everyone is
busy, so do the research and thinking for people who have the power to assist
you. Keep your ears open for others who may be experiencing the same
problems, as group action is much more powerful
than one person’s grievance. To recruit more union members offer food to
motivate people to come to organizing meetings and keep educating them with
brief email newsletters.
Do document each act of harassment that creates a “hostile” work
environment, to use the legal term (Tile VII of the Civil Rights Act was extended
to include men as well as women, with the case of a Louisiana oil worker).
Include details time, place, and circumstance of the illegal behavior. Be familiar
with your workplace human resource regulations. Put the remedy you seek in
writing to your supervisor, starting with a point of agreement, such as “We both
want a productive workplace.” If necessary, file a grievance. It’s illegal to harass
someone because they have taken legal action or are a whistle blower.
Q: I’ve worked successfully as a nurse for many years, until I moved to a unit
staffed by a verbally abusive, sexually suggestive, and neglectful doctor. When
I blew the whistle, the managers started writing me up for errors I didn’t make or
are things we all do in a busy unit. They terminated me recently by fax without a
meeting. I’ve been reading the Law of Attraction and The Secret. Did I do
something wrong to attract being fired?
A: A more in-depth explanation is The Intention Experiment or The Field by
Lynne McTaggart. We’ve known for a long time that, “As a man thinketh in his
heart, so is he” (Proverbs 23:7). What the pop authors leave out is that we
attract challenges to become stronger and evolve—the reason we’re alive.
Someone who lives a life without challenges may lack opportunities to grow.
You were right to follow your conscience and speak up about improper care.
The union should fight hard for you; be a squeaky wheel. Don’t try to fight the
battle on your own because being right is not enough to win against injustice. If
necessary, consult a labor lawyer or the Equal Employment Opportunity
Commission about wrongful termination for whistle blowing.
Q: I’ve been wrongly accused of sexual harassment at my workplace. I’m a
good guy!
A: Get help from your union or a lawyer and read your employer’s manual of
procedures so you know your rights. Ask to see the charges and evidence in
writing. Even though this is a very disturbing charge, stick to the facts and not
your feelings in your interactions with people at work. Also think about any way
you might have unintentionally crossed some boundaries, as we often attract
situations that mirror the shadow part of our mind that needs to be brought to
light of consciousness and worked out. Get help from a union, legal aid
organization, or EEOC.
Getting Organized
Q: I’m overwhelmed by clutter in my home and office. How to win?
A: As with any big task, break it down into small bits, and do a little each day
such as sorting a pile of old mail today and dirty clothes tomorrow. As you sort,
put objects into bins labeled “give away,” “file,” or “put in ___ room.” File folders
and file cabinets really help with paper items like financial records. Use
Behavior Modification techniques and give yourself a reward after each hour
spent organizing. Use Emotional Freedom Technique and tap on the feeling of
overwhelm and hopelessness.3
Time Management for More Mental Energy
*Break difficult and lengthy tasks into smaller ones and do a little every day to
prevent procrastination, our main energy drain. For example, when I grade
student papers, I correct five, then take a break to wash the dishes or make a
call, and then complete five more. This way I am not overwhelmed and I feel a
sense of accomplishment many times while working.
*Do short tasks immediately, such as paying bills. Do not put them in a pile
where they must be remembered and dealt with later. Mark on the envelopes
when to mail them if cash is not yet available.
*Make lists of what needs to be done, and prioritize for each day and week. Do
not do the low items on the list before the higher items are completed. Think
about what you can delegate, whom you can hire or trade with, who you can
ask for help, and to whom you should say “no.”
*Give yourself rewards for completing a major task. Crossing a task off your list
is a small reward in itself and can be energizing.
*Do two things at once, like cleaning the bathroom and giving a child a bath or
doing a load of laundry while cooking dinner. Multitasking can get excessive,
*Make your work and home environment pleasing to you. Play music (use
headphones if you work around others); drink your favorite healthy beverage,
e.g., herb tea; and display fragrant flowers, photographs and art. Keep toys
around (kaleidoscope, bubble blower, crayons, silly putty) to remind you to have
*Keep your mind and spirit energized by taking enjoyable breaks. Reward
periods of concentration with regular short breaks to breathe deeply, your palm
over closed eyes while imagining black velvet, take a short walk, stretch,
daydream, meditate, or put your feet up. If you find yourself reading and going
blank, keep your body involved by having a pen in your hand, underlining or
taking notes.
*Give yourself some time alone, taking a bubble bath with relaxing music and
candles instead of a quick shower.
*Plan leisure activities to look forward to, with a supportive group of friends and
*Studies show healthy people have a support group. Men are less likely to
have friends to share feelings with, so many communities have weekly men’s
groups to provide this contact.
Q: I’m stretched thin at work so I come home feeling exhausted. Is there any
way not to be so tired?
A: In How to Get Control of Your Time and Your Life, Alan Lakein suggests
dividing your “to do” list into A, B, C priority categories. Do the As when you
have the most energy during your day, as Lakein says 20% of our work
achieves 80% of the results, so decide how you’re going to use your time.
Think of yourself as an experienced firefighter dealing with many small
brush fires. When a new fire breaks out, pause, take a deep breath, and plan.
Can you handle it later or delegate it to someone else? Imagine a perfectionist
thermostat, ask how perfectly the task needs to be done, and turn down your
Type A hurry sickness thermostat to Type B more relaxed and calm approach.
Think of moving from the whirling outer edges of the hurricane to the still center.
If you keep your adrenal reaction turned down, you’ll have more energy at the
end of the day, as well as a healthier immune system.
Q: I feel under water, swamped. I’m facing an IRS audit, a biopsy, a grinding
workload, and I’m still grieving the end of a relationship. What can I do to feel
A: When you feel like you’re being pulled under, visualize a wave pushing you
up on the shore free of the undertow. Take time to nurture yourself each day to
take a break from work pressure and do something enjoyable. Prioritize and
plan. Tell yourself, “This too Shall Pass.”
Q: I recently started my own business and would like to succeed. Suggestions?
A: I posed this question to a gathering of around 40 small business owners.
They emphasized the importance of setting clear intentions for what you want to
achieve, be positive but address your doubts and fears, express gratitude, stay
focused in the present, enjoy what you do and be excited about learning new
job skills. A related theme was to listen, to get your ego out of the way so you
can hear your higher self–“give it up,” and to aim for simplicity.
In addition to attitude, another cluster of advice was to nurture yourself:
Mediate daily, breathe deeply, spend time in nature, play and have fun. Another
theme was to focus on making your clients feel satisfied, respect each one as a
unique individual, and to meet and greet new people (potentially new clients) as
you go about your day. Lastly, a publisher quoted an old adage about pray but
tie up the camel; that is, pay attention to details to manifest your goals here and
When you feel anxious: Breath from your diaphragm, imagining inhaling a
calming color like green or blue. Do the HearthMath Freeze Framer, pausing
your anxiety as you would a video (check out their website and books).4
Imagine breathing into your heart. Think about a happy time when you felt
appreciated. Last, ask your heart what you should do to cope.
For free business information on technical skills such as bookkeeping,
accounting, and taxes, consult the Small Business Development Center, the
Chamber of Commerce, or SCORE retired business executives for help with
your business plan.
Q: I procrastinate big time about cleaning up my messy office. Suggestions?
A: Ask your rebellious inner child sub-personality why it doesn’t want to clean
up. Then let her or him write the answer with your non-dominant hand. You may
want to hire someone or trade with a friend to get you over the hump. Set aside
half an hour a day to make some progress and give yourself a healthy reward to
provide positive reinforcement.
Q: So many things I want to do: practice my instrument, read your Energy Tools
book, try out a new work technique, etc. I feel scattered and overwhelmed by
the demands on my time.
A: Ground and meditate at the beginning of the day and you’ll feel calmer. Make
a list of all the tasks at hand for the month, week and day. Use a monthly
calendar so you can see what’s coming up. Prioritize and do the top items first.
See which are “shoulds” that you can reconsider and decide which are not high
priorities. Divide tasks into smaller segments and give yourself a brief break to
reward yourself when you complete a segment.
Get a stack of different colored index cards. One color could signal
personal tasks and another legal tasks, for example. Write one task per card,
and then spread the cards out in front of you. They’re already grouped by
theme by their color. Then take each stack of cards and shuffle to reflect your
top priority; which task is most important and time-sensitive for a deadline?
Enter your priority tasks on your monthly calendar, such as, Monday: call Ms. X.
and search domain names for website, etc.
Write on your calendar for the week what you’re going to do each day to
accomplish your goals. Include time in your written schedule for exercise and
quiet introspection. You’ll be energized by the sense of accomplishment while
procrastination is an energy drain.
Q: I’m a perfectionist, so sometimes I don’t even start on a task like cleaning out
a drawer because I’ll think I should clean them all.
A: Think of one task wrapped up as a gift, with lovely paper and ribbon. You just
open that box. The other “gifts” are not going to go away, so break up the task
into manageable bits.
Q: My wife and I run a small business with many projects going on at the same
time. How can I be less stressed?
A: It feels like when you experience a lot of demands you speed up to try to
handle them all. When this happens, blood goes to the mid-brain, the emotional
limbic center, instead of the rational forebrain, as when some people
experience exam anxiety and can’t access what they’ve learned. Take a deep
breath to oxygenate your brain and then put your hand on the bumps on your
forehead thinking of a peaceful place. Build in time for daily exercise to release
tension. Trace horizontal figure eights with your eyes and/or hands as any
movement that crosses the midline of the body helps balance the energy field.
To read more stress management techniques see my blog
Make a firm rule. When you are on your weekly date, no discussion of
work. Voice appreciation for each other daily. If one of you feels she or he is
doing more work and has less leisure time for health maintenance, make a list
of all the tasks and divide them up fairly.
Q: impatient or grouchy people irritate me. How can I cope?
A: Make it a game to see if you can get them to smile and give them a sincere
Q: I’m a procrastinator. I only get going on a task done right before it’s due.
A: Divide the task into small parts. Schedule in small chunks of time on your
calendar to work on the task. That calendar time is sacred. No answering the
phone. Decide on a reward when you’ve completed the task. Make your
workplace as pleasant as possible with a cup of herb tea, flowers, favorite
photo, comic strip, and a cartoon. Think about roots of resistance to authority
and rules that may be underlying resistance to completing a task.
Understand your personality type, as by taking the Keirsey and Bates
Inventory on line at It’s the most
widely used personality inventory and is explained in their book Please
Understand Me. It’s useful to know, for example, if you’re a J or P: the former
likes structure and achieving goals while the quality of the process and
spontaneity is very important to Ps.
Q: I’m taking a major licensing exam. If I fail it as I did the first time, no license,
and no job. I’m very anxious.
A: If you’re scared, your blood goes to the emotional limbic part of the brain and
you can’t think clearly. It’s like trying to take your test from outside your body or
driving from the back seat. Start now writing down when you feel anxiety, where
you feel it in your body, and try different calming techniques. Note what works
best for you and use the tool every time, so by the time of the test you’ll be
practiced in staying calm.
Here are some different calming techniques to try: deep breathing, shut
your eyes and exhale with a ssss sound to release, visualize emerald green
light all around you, and do bilateral movements that cross the midline of the
body like making horizontal 8s with your eyes or cross-crawls touching opposite
elbow to knee on both sides. Imagine you have a guide or fairy godmother who
is an expert in your field who inspires and informs you, and use EFT. If you feel
anxious, notice what’s around you—like the colors in the room–to distance
yourself from the discomfort. Don’t look at the clock; just think about the right
An update: She passed. What she found most useful was doing figure
eights with her eyes while test taking and imagining a guide: “My fairy
godmother was with me the whole time, and made me feel easy and happy
during the test.”
Q: I’m a single parent with a job and going back to college. How do I get it all
A: *Schedule regular time to study on your calendar, just as you schedule an
appointment or work. You may need to trade with another parent to swap doing
something fun with the two sets of kids so you have uninterrupted time to study.
Find a quiet place.
*Identify key phases in assignments. If you’re not clear, immediately ask the
teacher for clarification so you don’t waste time being confused.
*Know your learning type. Are you right brain/global and need music, something
in your mouth, like to learn in a group, and are comfortable with stopping in the
middle of a task to go to another? Are you left-brain/analytical and need quiet,
to be alone, and to complete a task in a linear fashion A-B-C-D? Do you learn
best by seeing (visual), hearing (auditory), or feeling and doing (kinesthetic)? A
fourth type, auditory digital needs to have an internal chat discussing the new
concepts. We all learn best by combining our different senses: writing notes,
reading them, saying them out loud, and having a discussion where we link new
ideas to ones we know.
*Never ever read the assigned readings without a pen or underliner in hand to
take notes or highlight key concepts. This keeps you involved rather than
wasting time spacing out. Skim the reading first, looking at introduction,
subtitles and conclusion so you know what the author is trying to get across. If
you run out of time, skim without reading word for word so you get the important
*Carry reading with you in case you have to wait for an appointment.
*To begin organizing an essay, start by drawing a starfish or wagon wheel and
list topics you want to include on the spokes to brainstorm. Then organize the
themes into an outline and write from that. In your introduction, include your
theme and main points outlining how you’ll prove your theme in the essay.
*For research papers, take notes on index cards with only one theme per card
(such as analyzing the four main causes of the Civil War, theme one is
economic differences). Also note on the card the source (number a book as you
write it on the bibliography page) and page number of the quote, such as 3/267
for book three, page 267. Then sort out the cards by theme, organize theme by
theme, and write from the cards. Always provide evidence.
*In group meetings, start with an agenda with time allotments. You can vote to
extend the time on a topic if necessary. Assign a facilitator, timekeeper, and
recorder; it’s a good idea to rotate these tasks to share the work and practice
skills. When brainstorming, don’t judge any suggestion so you don’t inhibit
creativity. Save chitchat for after a task is completed, or set aside time at the
beginning to go around the group for a brief timed check-in about how each
member is feeling. Take time at the end to evaluate how the meeting went and
make constructive criticisms. Use effective communication skills when
disagreements arise, “I’m feeling ___ because__” rather than “You always….”
Putt a specific solution on the table for negotiation and do “active listening.”
Staying Fit
Q: How can I stay fit when I sit at a desk all day at work?
A: Studies show sitting all day diminishes wellness. Every one-hour TV program
you sit through increases the chances of premature death caused by Disuse
Syndrome, raising your odds for dying from heart attack or stroke, from cancer,
and from other health problems.6 Do stretches, such as head rolls, overhead
reach, interlace your fingers and stretch your palms away from you while
relaxing your shoulders–then turn the palms toward the ceiling, rotate your
wrists, circle your shoulders, lean forward in your chair touching your head to
knees, fly like a bird reaching your arms up and down, do the runner’s stretch
and push ups against the wall. Do knee pull, waist bend, and finger fan. Sky
reaching, circle your elbows forward and back to lubricate the upper back.
Paula Barros, DC, suggests these workplace stretches:
Do a partner stretch, holding right hands moving back with a flat back.
Take hands and squat with your partner.
Windmill your arms, trading which is up and down with the breath.
For hamstrings, place a heel on a chair, and fold over your foot. Spine twist
right to left to massage internal organs. Healthy knees require well-stretched
Lie on the floor with calves on the seat of the chair.
Keep a yoga mat at work to stretch on the floor. Get an exercise ball to roll
around on when you’re talking on the phone. Elevate your feet.
*Keep a resistance band in your desk. Download exercises.7
*Take a break such as a short stroll outside, and talk with friends. In one study,
women who walked briskly at least three hours a week cut their risk of heart
attack and stroke by more than half.
*Rub your palms together and rest them over your eyes, visualizing black velvet
cloth for two or three minutes to relax your eyes. Rub in the notch in your eye
socket above the tear ducts. Look away from the computer frequently.
Download Tibetan eye exercise chart.8
*Take a fun lunch break instead of doing errands. Bring healthy snacks to work.
Eat a healthy breakfast to keep your blood sugar even.
*Bring art and fresh flowers to your office; listen to calming music on
*Post affirmations, inspiring quotes, and funny photos and cartons.
*Keep a stash of toys: kaleidoscope, silly putty, jacks, sock toss, yo-yo, dart
board, nerf balls, crayons, hand puppets, percussion instruments, etc. to use
when you get stuck or fatigued.
*Stick to your priorities. Leave your concerns about work at your workplace
when you leave.
*Handle each piece of paper just once: either respond, toss in the recycling bin,
file, or refer it.
*Set time limits on meeting agenda items, start on time, have the last person to
arrive take minutes. Be an amused anthropologist and notice the dominance
struggles, power games, ego boosting, coalitions, etc. See Franz de Whaal’s
Chimpanzee Politics to see how similar chimps are to humans in their power
*Turn problem-solving into a game.
*Relax commuting to and from work with an audio book or music. Review your
*Find out your Feng Shui reputation corner in the far left from the entrance and
put something valuable there, no waste paper basket.
Q: When I’m in front of the computer a lot, I get fuzz-brained and klutzy. What
can I do? It’s my work.
A: When our energy field gets scrambled, it gets “homolateral.” To get properly
aligned in a bilateral spiral, drink water and do exercises that cross the midline
of the body, like touching opposite elbow to knee in a “cross-crawl.” Imagine
looking at a horizontal figure eight with your eyes, as well as deep breathing
from your diaphragm. Also, tap under the collarbones, on your thymus, and on
the spleen meridian on the edge of the ribs. See a graphic of where to tap9 or
Donna Eden’s book Energy Medicine.
Try these Brain Gym exercises to get your brain organized.10 Take a break
every 1/2 hour or hour to stretch, crawl on the floor (anything right left
opposition is balancing), pound with your palms on your thighs growling like a
lion, eat something healthy, or imagine a beautiful vacation site. Put something
lovely by your workspace like a flower or crystal to keep your focus there.
Q: I have writer’s block, partly because my wife is a very critical editor. How can
I start writing again?
A: Don’t use her as an editor; hire a professional. Change your usual way of
approaching your work. If you usually sit down at your computer with a cup of
tea, take a pad of paper to the park and brainstorm ideas without judgment.
Write for half an hour or so everyday, even if it’s junk, just to practice. A good
idea or two may surface.
Making Money
Q: With over 1 billion very poor people in the world, how can I start helping out?
A: I love the concept of giving someone a fishing pole rather than a fish. It’s also
good for your money flow in to give out monthly. Micro lending is an inspiriting
success story, which began in Bangladesh over 30 years ago. The borrowers
are mostly poor women who borrow as a small group and support each other
and learn about business in weekly meetings. Most of them repay the small
loans after buying moneymakers like a water buffalo or a sewing machine. As a
consequence of earning money, the women’s children are more likely to go to
school. The Grameen Foundation was the first micro lending organization; it
lends more than $25 million each month to more than 2 million borrowers on
four continents. We can give online to the or I started a
literacy program in NW Pakistan that has no administrative costs.11 Our first
microloan project was a business started by a 35-year-old mother of nine
children, who sold fabric and blankets.
Q: Financially I am not doing well. How can I change this?
A: As with any goal, commit to spending an hour or so a day to action towards
your goal. Action to find a new job includes gathering information, getting
feedback on your resume, networking with everyone you know, using the local
college placement center, job fairs, and writing a description of an ideal
workday for you. Imagine yourself in a rewarding job and notice any resistance
that comes up, thoughts starting with “I can’t, I don’t deserve,” “My family
doesn’t….” and bring them to the light of consciousness to release their
sabotaging effects. Affirm in the present (not in future tense), “I’m grateful that
I’m gaining prosperity for me and my family.” For many ideas about how to save
money, read Be Thrifty: How to Live Better with Less by Califia Suntree.
The main barriers to financial success I’ve seen are the following beliefs:
*Spiritual people don’t concern themselves with making money.
*I don’t deserve wealth. It’s greedy and not ecologically sound to be wealthy.
*Money doesn’t grow on tree; it takes a lot of grinding effort. I don’t have the
knowledge about how to generate wealth.”
List your beliefs about money and riches, including family beliefs such
as “Our family doesn’t have good luck with money matters.” Be aware of your
approach to finances: Are you a spender, saver, avoider, or view it as too
mundane (what T. Harv Eker calls “money monks” ( Think
about how you could use wealth to assist others. Eker suggests starting savings
accounts for necessities, play, education, the future, and charity. Put a specific
percentage in each account each month.
*Use Feng Shui to identify the prosperity section of your home and office and
clean it out, adding symbols of prosperity such as a gold coin.
Q: My money supply isn’t working; it looks like a great deal will close, then
something gets in the way. What am I doing wrong?
A: Sometimes I’ll see that generations of family beliefs about money being
scarce are stored in the subconscious, in cellular memory, which is what I see
happening with you. A simple energy tool for clearing is to imagine writing your
name and the present date in your energy field. Set your intention to end the
family pattern with you and visualize releasing the outmoded beliefs down into
the earth to recycle. Visualize money flowing in with abundance like the stars in
the sky and the lilies in the field. “We are what we think. All that we are arises
from our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world,” said the Buddha.
Q: I put my mother’s house up for sale. She needs the money but it’s been on
the market for months.
A: Get a Feng Shui book, consultant, or download Internet information. With a
Bagwa chart at your side to show you the focus of each room (health, career,
family, helpful friends, etc.) clean out and invigorate the energy of the house.
Start big with drums or pots and pans walking from room to room to shake up
the stagnant energy, and then get more subtle by using the four elements. Fire:
light a sage stick and waft it through each room, moving clockwise through the
house and circling each room. Set up an incense stick to burn as you clear.
Water: spray essential oils (such as a citrus oil like grapefruit) diluted in water.
Earth: put sea salt in little bowls in the corners of rooms to collect energetic
debris, then dump it when you leave. Air: set up mobiles and wind chimes to
keep chi moving.
Imagine lines of connection to prospective buyers who might benefit from
living in the house. If possible, plant new flowers in front of the house to greet
buyers. These rituals focus the power of your mind to set your intention to sell
the house. Also read about how to stage a house to make it appealing to
Q: I’m always struggling with money, trying to earn enough, to save it, not
wanting to be bothered with it.
A: Money is a neutral useful unit of exchange, but we overlay it with emotional
judgments. Think about your family’s beliefs about money and decide which
ones you want to keep. We live in an astoundingly abundant universe and can
match that reality rather than matching fears about scarcity and struggle.
To manifest a goal such as having more money, experts agree on these basic
principles. Visualize your goal happening now rather than in the future. Action
happens first on the energetic level so your intention is starting now like a
sprouting seed. Focus on the delight of achieving your goal when you wake up
and when you go to sleep, creating a thought form of gratitude and joy. Don’t be
too specific about how the goal will manifest, as your conscious mind doesn’t
know all the possibilities. Don’t dilute your focus by talking about your goal to
other people. Examine any self-sabotage in terms of feeling undeserving or
incapable. Be patient and on the lookout for synchronicities events as you move
towards your goal.
Q: How can I live frugally and ecologically?
A: To live ecologically and save money, buy used items, share with neighbors
(e.g., a rototiller for a community garden), compost your garbage and yard
clippings, eliminate red meat from your diet, turn off the TV, use the library, sundry
your clothes; ride a bike, take mass transit, carpool, and drive a fuel efficient
car. Wait a month before buying a major purchase to make sure you really need
Q: [Japan] I’m an osteopath overwhelmed with work, but for the last two years I
have no profit to show for it. My dream is to have a healing school.
A: When you walk from the train to your office, use the time to meditate and set
your intention for a positive money flow and doing wonderful service for your
clients. Set your intention for profit, watch for negative thoughts, acknowledge
them, and visualize clearing out self-sabotage from your unconscious mind.
Have a Feng Shui consultant make recommendations for your office. See
where it would be useful to increase the flow of energy with fountains, mobiles,
plants, gold fish, etc. Act on your dreams little by little, such as publicize a
workshop you want to teach to the general public, and put the name of your
healing school on the publicity to get the energy moving in a forward direction.
Look at your monthly expenditures to see where you can cut costs, as by
moving to a less expensive office or reducing staff hours.
Q: I had an unsafe childhood so I tend to be hyper vigilant. I’ll notice small
details like how many lights are on in a room. I also have trouble thinking of
myself as financially successful.
A: Some obsessive people are hindered by the time they take to re-check that
the oven is off or to repetitious hand washing, but you don’t seem to be slowed
down by your perceptions. I’d turn it into a game, where you quiz yourself and
then check your accuracy. Check and make sure your adrenals aren’t on
overdrive, because chronic cortosol arousal undermines the immune system.
Imagine a movie in which you play a man wearing an expensive suit, carrying
an elegant briefcase, getting into a new hybrid car. Pay careful attention to what
thoughts and feelings come up that may need to be cleared.
Q: Money burns a hole in my pocket; although I work hard, I have no savings.
A: You’re not alone, as the average personal savings in the US is less than 2%
of income and nearly one-quarter of families have no savings–the worst
savings rate among developed countries, tied with Portugal. It’s imperative to
have savings withdrawn from your paycheck into a savings plan like a Roth
IRA, so the money never goes into your pocket. (See this link for how to set one
up with a financial institution.13) Compounded interest on your savings really
adds up over time. Check out green investing so you know your money is doing
good as well as earning for you.
Q: I procrastinate paying my bills and then have to pay late fees.
A: The key to any procrastination issue is to do part of the task right away so
you get the satisfaction and energy boost of completion. Write out the check as
soon as you receive the bill. If you don’t have money in the bank to cover it,
write on the envelope the date when it will be OK to mail it.
If we put something off, it robs us of energy, while breaking a task into
small parts provides many opportunities for energizing successes. Use behavior
modification and give yourself a reward each time you follow through with your
plan, as simple as the thought “good job!” or a walk around your neighborhood
to take a break.
Q: I have an irrational fear I’ll lose my job and end up living in my car. How can I
get over this? I’m disappointed with myself for not dealing with it better.
A: This can be figurative rather than a literal image, but what came up for me
was a past life where you were raised in a protected environment in a wealthy
family. When you were finally exposed to poverty, it was so shocking to you that
you felt very guilty, leaving home to live a live of poverty in a convent, similar to
Buddha’s experience. Your guilt over your family’s wealth was so deep, it
carried over to your attitude towards money in this life. Every day say, “I
deserve financial security and I continue to be successful in my work.” Listen for
the “Yes, but….” thoughts that bubble up from the unconscious and use
acupressure tapping on them. We all have irrational beliefs we’re bringing into
consciousness and clearing, one of life’s purposes.
Q: Is it worth it to pay for a college education when lots of my graduate friends
aren’t getting a job?
A: It pays to get a college degree. The average graduate makes about $30,000
a year more then an average high school grad. An additional professional
degree adds $40,000. Start now to take advantage of compound interest
earnings. If a college graduate, age 22, begins earning $30,000 a year with an
annual raise of 1%, and invests 10% in a Standard & Poor Index mutual fund,
she’d have $1.4 million dollars at age 67. Women tend to invest too little, too
Women can’t rely on a husband, as women live 7 years longer and the
average age of widows in America is 55. Only 22% of women over age 65
receive a pension, while almost half of men do. The divorce rate is almost 50%.
Only 15% of divorced women get any court-ordered spousal support, and 5% of
that group can’t collect. In old age, nursing home care costs about $200 a day.
Q: I want to do to Europe on a shoestring. Suggestions?
A: *Buy a Eurail Pass and hostel membership before you go as they need to be
purchased abroad.
*Make a reservation for a hostel near your arrival airport because you’ll be too
tired to search for a place to sleep.
*Take a bandanna and ear plugs to sleep on the plane and other noisy places.
Also get a good guide book (Lonely Planet or Let’s Go) and a phrase book and
dictionary so you can be polite and ask questions, especially about directions.
*Check out for free telephone calls around the world. Consider a
credit card that gives you a frequent flyer mile for every dollar you spend for
free flights in the future.
*Pack lightly. See for a list of what to pack and other
European travel tips.
Q: I know nothing about investing, but know I should start saving so my money
can grow. How do I get started?
A: You can join an investment club to buy stocks that require minimum
purchases you can’t yet afford ( Clubs that hold stocks
for the long term do best. Have money deducted from your paycheck for
savings. Invest the full amount in a 401(k), which has a limit or a Roth IRA
permits a nondeductible contribution each year, but earnings and principle can
be withdrawn tax-free at age 59 1/2.14 You can invest in the mutual fund of your
choice. You can withdraw at any time without penalty, unlike a 401(k). An
annuity offered by an insurance company also permits deferring taxes, but
check their fees.
Stocks outperform all other investments, having returned about 12.7%
over the last 60 years (compared to 5.5% for bonds and 4.4% for Treasury
bills). A diversified portfolio includes large and blue-chip stocks, medium and
small companies, value stocks (bought at a bargain price), growth stocks,
international stocks, and a bond fund. Also diversify with investments in real
estate, gold and silver coins, art, as well as stocks and bonds.
*Software can help budget and financial planning, i.e., Quicken
(Intuit), Money (Microsoft)
H Brill, J. Brill & C. Feigenbaum. Investing with Your Values: Making Money and
Making a Difference. New Society Publishers, 2002.
*Bobbie Christensen. Building Your Financial Portfolio on $25 a Month. (800-
*Green Living magazine
245 Eighth Ave.
New York, NY 10011-1607
*The Handbook for Learn-by-Doing Investing and monthly newsletter Better
*National Association of Investors Corp.
711 W. Thirteen Mile Rd.
Madison Heights, MI 48071
*The Mutual Fund Investment Kit
Mutual Fund Education Alliance
1900 Erie St., Suite 120
Kansas City, MO 64116-3465
*Hal Brill, J, Brill and C. Feigenbaum. Investing with Your Values:
Making Money and Making a Difference. Bloomberg Press, 1999.
*Marshall Glickman (publisher of Green Living). The Mindful Money
Guide: Creating Harmony Between Your Values and Your Finances.
Ballantine Wellspring, 1999.
*Napoleon Hill. Think and Grow Rich. Fawcett, 1990.
*Richard Maturi. Chicago: Probus, 1994.
Internet Sites
*Donate credit card profits to nonprofit organizations by using a
Working assets’ credit card (also provides long distance phone):;
*Information about stocks: Diversify your portfolio, work with a
financial planner and invest for the long term.
Morningstar (well respected site); The
Motley Fool, (& other financial info); StockSelector, stockselector.
com (evaluates stock fair value); Quicken,;
Vector Vest,;; American Association
of Individual Investors,;; theonlineinvestor.
com;; (compiles recommendations
of 50 experts)
*Free tax payment assistance: (to file the simplified
Form 1040EZ);
*Tax information:;
*To estimate your Social Security earnings:; women4socialsecurity.
*To estimate how much you need to retire: American Savings
Education Council,;; financialengines.
*To find a financial planner (choose one who charges set fees
rather than commissions): National Association of Personal
Financial Advisers,; Money advice and financial
planning:;;; (Money magazine);; “Financial Facts
Tool Kit;”;;
*Best loan rates, as for a car or mortgage, or IRA, and other
finance:;;;;; Consumer Financial Network, (assists with finding cheapest rates on insurance, mortgages,
*Best rates for phone service, credit cards, loans, etc.: http://www.lowermybills.
com; (insurance); (credit
cards); (long distance)
*Best car rates:;;
*Free internet access:;;
*Free computer technical help:
*To swap:;;;;;
*Start your own business:; Women’s Business
*Gender equity:

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